The Importance and benefits to Women of Great Men’s Ministry

My greatest desire is the see the women of the church become passionate about the men in their lives being great Christian men, leaders in their homes, fathers to their children, husbands deeply engaged in their marriages, and leaders in their sphere of influence at work, at church, and in the community.

I am passionate about Men – your men, and mine... Imagine a world full of men who are fulfilling their God given purpose.

Men who are proactive instead of reactive, men who are filled with purpose and passion for the things of God, men who rush to participate in the mission of the local church, a church so flooded with men wanting to serve the body that the pastor only needs set the direction of the church and show up on Sunday to preach his sermon. Men who set good priorities, and balance their commitments at work, with their family life. Men who do jobs they love even if it doesn’t lead to riches and glory. Men who love their wives passionately showing actively how much they cherish you, and your children.

So how does that vision make you feel?

When I think about it, I have hope that one day I will be cherished, and loved and desired and encouraged and supported and valued in the ways I know in my heart I long to be by the men in my life.

Ladies, Men’s Ministry is vital to the life and health of the Church, but Men’s ministry in the Australian Church needs your help! Even our church leaders at the highest level admit they’re struggling to engage men, and ignite them into action. This is a major problem, because we know that statistics tell us that when a mother trusts Christ apart from her husband, her family follows 17% of the time. But when a Man becomes a Christian, the rest of the family follows 93% of the time. A man’s influence over his family and therefore the cash flow of the church is significant. If you want more programs for your community you need more men engaged in the mission of your church.

We need to realise that to be great women, we need great women in our lives, but we also need great men – why because we were built for partnership, I’m not talking about marriage, I’m saying that the church needs both men and women to fulfull their God given purposes and be the best they can be. Men and Women were made to partner in the Gospel. So we need men – but they’re leaving the Church in droves, and those that are there, are barely flickering, when they should be blazing inferno’s for Christ.

1 Thessalonians 5:11 defines our individual role as Christ’s followers to “encourage one another and build each other up”.

If you’re married that means you are to devote yourself to encouraging and building up your husband, if you’re single that means you are to devote yourself to encouraging and building up the men and women in your sphere, and your church family.

But I’ve too often in the last few years seen women in churches shut men’s ministry down, making it impossible for their husbands and other men in the church to participate in men’s activities and programs. The message is clear to the men of those churches, Men are not important in this church, and we don’t believe that investing in discipling them is of any value, why do we need to do anything separate or special for the men. Behind that are a handful of strong outspoken women who are fearful and selfish. My question to you is: Are you one of them? Or are you simply discouraging the men in your life more subtly through your actions and words? I was. I’m ashamed to admit it – I didn’t even realise that I was doing it. Perhaps you don’t either.

But Ladies, I have some bad news, you’re not enough, I’m not enough, we can’t do all that’s needed to help the men in our lives become great Godly, on fire for God men. The reason is simple, we’re not men.

I can’t teach my husband or my son or my father, how to be a man after God’s heart, to be a father, to be a brother, to be a son, to be a Christian Man in his workplace, or in his Church or to his non-Christian mates.

I don’t know how to, I only know how to be a Christian woman and to be frank I struggle with that. And when I’m struggling to work that out I need good Christian women around me to encourage me and teach me how to be the woman God has called be to be. You understand my struggles, you get what it means to be a woman. We sharpen each other like Proverbs 27:17 says. “As iron sharpens iron so one man sharpens another”. So what makes us think our men are any different?

Are you truely passionate about the men in your lives? How important is it to you that these men become all that God designed them to be?

It fills me with excitement to think of my husband, or my son, or my father as powerful leaders and champions of God.

IT'S IMPORTANT TO ME and should be TO EVERY WOMEN TO BE A PARTNER IN DEVELOPING REAL AND EFFECTIVE MEN'S MINISTRY IN THE CHURCH. WE WANT REAL MEN, REAL FATHERS, REAL HUSBANDS. IF THAT'S TRUE THEN WE NEED TO GET REAL TOO.

Because if we ask ourselves honestly aren’t we living a life that nurses disappointment about the fact that the men in our lives display in the main inactivity, a lack of: strength, self control and Godly leadership? And we know that if they really tried they could do it, but what’s more disappointing is that they don’t seem to want to try at all. We think that they don't notice how we feel about that. But they do, they sense it in your tone of voice and your increasing efforts to take control. It gives them a simple message: you are not enough for her and nothing you do is right - you are a disappointment.

Gosh that makes me sad, and frustrated! For most of my married life I was disappointed in my husband and his lack of effort and so to protect myself from hurting about it I became more and more assertive, and controlling (but I called it efficient) . Slowly but surely I constructed the pretty cage that encircled my husband. And separated us from each other. So the fear of failure paralysed him into inaction. Further feeding my frustrations, and fears. A vicious cycle. And on the outside we were a loving couple, who were enjoying all the riches of life. Does this feel like a familiar story?

Perhaps my example might not resound with you, but when I share this with many Christian and Non-Christian men, they will tell us it resounds with them. They feel guilty for wanting to have friends outside of the home, many of them know that it's hard to be at home with kids or working too, so think that they shouldn't take time to spend with friends, to disciple others or be discipled.

Why do we try to control our men, do we think that by this method we will achieve what we want. We curse them for making us feel like we have one more kid to manage, when in reality we undermine their confidence in their ability to be any of the things we desire them to be.

But a cage even if comfortable is still a cage, the less freedom a prisoner has the more they want to escape.

The same is true in our lives, when your life is filled with “have to’s” day in day out, and nothing is really done to actively allow you to release the press valve, the sense of needing to escape the reality of your life grows. For us as women we more readily express that rising sense of being trapped through crying, yelling, talking it out with a friend over coffee.

But for men society has trained them for the last 100 years or so to bear the burden, to be the stronger sex, to keep a stiff upper lip, and to take it like a man. Most men see crying as weakness, and failure, they are more likely to get angry, (and abusive if they’ve been raised by parents who expressed frustration through violence), but most will retreat, become moody and sullen. The need to escape is dangerous.

Every man has his poison and they tend to choose Easy Fixes to escape, to relieve the pressures of their lives:

Drugs, Alcohol, Gambling, Sex, Pornography, Affairs, are big names, but how about simple things like working later at the office to avoid the chaos of evil hour at home, or lying to avoid a negative reaction from his spouse or boss. I know of good Christian men who have squirreled away thousands of dollars to build their dream car or boat without their wives knowing about it, why? Many Christian husbands work later hours then they need to, because work is where they feel valued?

Let me share some frightening figures with you:

In Australia in 2005 the highest number of suicide deaths for males was observed in the age group 30 to 34 years (207 suicide deaths), followed by males aged 40 to 44 years (203 suicide deaths)

And just over half of male suicide deaths in that year were by hanging, while about a quarter of those deaths were due to poisoning. Why is the method of suicide important? Men who choose to commit suicide don’t attempt it; they choose methods that will definitely work the first time. It is not a cry for help but rather a final act of escape.

We see so much potential in the men in our lives don’t we. Aren’t they amazing?But how do our men see themselves:

• · They are driven by Guilt over their failure to be what they know in their hearts they should be, to you and to God and to the world.
• · Most are overwhelmed by life’s demands, and alone in it, because they are convinced that they need to be brave and master it all without leaning on others
• · Escape from the reality of their lives is a constant temptation.
• · They are searching for significance, purpose and inspiration from Good leaders

Where we see potential, they see failure.

For some reason, we waiting for the leadership of our churches to do our job of being an encourager to our husbands, to the men and boys in our lives?

If you haven’t noticed lately, most of the leadership of local churches are Men, please do not think for a minute that pastors are immune to the same issues that the average man faces. Let me share some statistics:

According to XXX Church, an organisation that helps people struggling with pornography addiction:

· 53% of Christian men consume pornography.

· 51% of pastors say porn is a temptation to them.

· 37% of pastors say it's currently a struggle.

· 53% of pastors have visited porn sites in the past year.

· and 4 in 10 pastors have looked at porn today.

If you are a pastor’s wife, I want you to hear this message, your husband is a man like any other, and needs good men in his life to build him up and encourage him to be a great father, husband and leader. He needs relationships with good Christian men, outside of the requirements of his role as pastor of his local church. He doesn’t have to lead every men’s event, but he needs to participate and spend time building real relationships with the good men in his local community, please don’t stop him from doing that.

So women I’m going to ask you again, Why are we waiting for the Church to do our job of encouraging our men to build relationships with each other?

Because it means making another sacrifice doesn’t it? That’s the reality, when your church puts on a men’s breakfast or there’s men’s interest group starting in your area, we get those thoughts that tell us “ Well, John spends so much time at the office or travelling and I have to deal with the kids and house and everything, and we spend barely any time connecting with each other during the week or the weekend between kids sport. I’d like to suggest he goes to the Men’s Dinner this Saturday night, but it’s all too hard isn’t it”.

We want our men to have friendships, but we’re afraid to release them and encourage to get out of the house to spend time with other Good men, especially anyone we don’t know. We allow the busyness of our lives to be excuses for why he shouldn’t invest in time with friends outside the home. If my husband was getting drunk at the pub every Friday night, then yes that’s a problem, but if he’s going cycling every Friday night isn’t that ok?

For the first 10 years of our married life I was secretly afraid that if I allowed Tim to spend time with his male friends having fun, that soon he’d rather be with them than me. We had plenty of time together (quantity) but there wasn’t a lot of quality time, neither of us did things we had passion for, hobbies or sports or interests apart from each other. How many of you know that even though you love each other, deep down you know you’re not enough for each other, that you’re lonely and you know that you’re husband is lonely too?

At Men In Action we’ve discovered that Men who spend time with other good men in their lives, come back to their wives and families better men, eager to spend time (quality time) with you, and your children. We have wives who seek us out to thank us for helping their husbands come alive, and become more engaged in their homes.

The secret is that they get out regularly to spend time doing activities that they enjoy, with men that build them up and encourage them. These are relational groups, not evangelistic 3 point sermon outreach events.

At this point there’s some women thinking “well I’ve tried to get my husband to spend time with men at church but he’s too busy or not interested. Or perhaps your husband isn’t a Christian.

So I’m going to give you my top 8 Practical tips for getting your men into relationship with other good Christian men:

1. Understand what good Men’s Ministry is,

Effective Men’s ministry is made up of 3 key things:

1. Teaching & Equipping Christian Men

2. Evangelism outreach to Non Christian Men

3. Relationship (discipling) Building

These happen in different settings, sometimes in combination, but there is no one event that does all that’s required. So just because your husband or son goes to church on Sunday, or attends a Bible Study or came to a Men’s Conference doesn’t mean that he’s getting what he needs to develop as a Godly Man.

2. Real Discipling happens when relationship develops.

You need to earn the right to speak into another man’s life, men need to see the integrity of another man’s walk before they’ll respect them enough to listen to their advice. That’s not going to happen in the 15 mins after church is it?

3. If we want our Non-christian Husbands to come to Christ, we need to seek the help of our church brothers to do it – Honestly do you think you can save him by yourself? No, you need the Men of the body of Christ to work with you.

4. Communication is Key:

Communicate, and do it regularly – be honest, tell him that you know that you need friends in your life and that he does too. Suggest that he takes the effort to get out and pursue his passions, maybe it’s music, maybe it’s a sport, maybe it’s model trains – it doesn’t matter, what he needs to see is that other Christian men enjoy lives that are more than 2 dimensions Work and Home, and that he can too. Tell him that you want him to develop real relationships with good men in his life. If you feel fearful that he’ll want to spend all his time out of the house, tell him, but encourage him to learn to balance his priorities to make it work. This is going to need continuous communication as time goes by, to make sure a balance is achieved.

5. Request and support good & diverse Men’s programs at your church

As women we need to share our desire for good and effective men’s ministry with our pastoral teams. Pastors are afraid of losing their predominately female workforce if they focus their already stretched resources on building up the men in their church.

If we want our churches to provide more opportunity for men to connect and build relationship, then don’t wait for the Pastor to do the work, encourage your men to create their own simple activities, tell him to just invite a friend or two over to watch the football on Friday night. We can’t stand in the way of men’s ministry development or sit on our hands waiting for someone else to do it, and then whinge and complain that my church doesn’t really do anything to engage with my teenage son, or my unsaved husband, or get my Christian husband more on fire for God.

6. Give him permission to be a man. As women we rarely ask for permission from our husbands when arranging time out with friends. But somehow we create an atmosphere that makes our husbands feel that it’s not ok to see friends or do something for themselves that doesn’t involve you or the kids. Instead of asking for permission, they either don’t do it at all, or they do it all the time without seeming to care about their family, or worse they do it behind your back. We can lead our men to be leaders by being good examples. If you have a man who has no obvious interests or hobbies then encourage him to try new things with some friends. Then start getting out and doing some things you love with friends yourself. Because if he sees you doing it he'll begin to think it's ok for him to do it too. Our men are waiting for permission to be men.

7. Help your man to develop his mission. Every man has a passion it might be dormant, long lost, or never developed, and his passion is His mission field. You can help your men see that. They don’t have to be a pastor of a church or a missionary in Botswana, they can use the very things God put in them that they love doing to reach their mates for Christ. They can use their hobbies to build relationships that lead to faith discussions, or lead men who won’t darken the door of a church to relationships with other Christian men.

Most churches and their pastors do the basics for Men’s Ministry but they don’t do any more because they can’t, there isn’t enough men to run anything else, and what they really need is a work crew to help them get it going, that’s where you can help.

8. Men’s Home Groups are vital.

In most cases we find that if a man goes to a couple’s home group or mixed gender group, he will struggle to be honest and or forthright about how he feels, and how the topic being discussed actually applies to his life. He’ll participate, but you will get facts not feelings about how he may be failing to be the man the scriptures are showing him he should be. However, if he’s going to a men’s group, the barriers come down more readily in discussion, and commitment to the group grows.

It’s nice to go to church things as a couple, but ask yourself what the purpose of growth groups really are: – to learn, as followers of Christ, how to share our lives with each other, to encourage each other on to good works. Too many men are just “attending” home groups to please their wives and tick a spiritual box.

Our men need our help to come alive. And we should want men who are fully alive in Christ, not men who just meet our expectations, but those who blaze a trail for God, who love freely and don't conform to our expectations which aren't of God but of our own making and societies direction.

What does God say of men? What does he ask of us? Ephesians 5: 24 -26 tells us “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy”

Please note the order here. There is no randomness in God’s word we first need to honour and respect and trust our men before they will honour and trust and respect themselves, and before they will be able to love us in the ways we want to loved. We are to set the captives free by showing our men grace and giving them freedom. You need to decide whether you will be his jailer, or be his cheerleader.

The men of the church need each other, and they need you to encourage and support men’s ministry activities, by getting behind your leaders and your men. Help them to build simple and effective activities and programs that include all the men of the church young and old, that vision I mentioned at the start could be a reality in your church. But it’s going to need you.