What Women Need to Know About Men

These notes are taken from a sermon by Robert Ferguson recently. I thought they might prove helpful to some.

John Elderidge in his book Wild At Heart notes that there are three key things that drive a mans heart:
1. He wants a battle to win
2. He wants a beauty to rescue
3. He wants an adventure to live.

Behind every successful man is a successful woman. These are some things that help a man succeed that we as women can help them with:

1. Inspire him to be spiritual. Feminine spirituality looks different from mens spirituality. Telling him how to be spiritual is wrong and unhelpful. Don't nag him into it. By being consistent in doing the things that are an example of your own walk with God, he will be encouraged to create his own spiritual life.
2. Allow him to be separate. Men like their own company, it's the Elastic Band theory that allowing him to have his own space will encourage him to spend quality time with you and his family. Being solitary is important to a man (Shepherds were solitary often). By suffocating him, not allowing him that space he will feel a prisoner instead of a partner.
3. Expect him to be singular. That means different from you. Desire and encourage him to be different. Trying to mould him into what you want him to be (more like you) will push him away.
4. Affirm him for being skillful. A man needs his wife to be his biggest encourager a cheerleader in his life. Men want people in their world who sing their praises, not pull them down in front of others. Recognised his big and small acheivements. If you think someone else is you're mistaken.
5. Encourage him to speak into other peoples lives. Men fail because they allow things to happen that shouldn't have happen (See Larry Crabb's book the Silence of Adam). Women need to be cautious that they don't speak too often and leave no room for their men to speak.
6. Men need to be responsible for telling stories to the next generation (of men especially). Encourage him to tell stories to your children and great children. The phrase "when I was your age" should be a time when he gets full attention not eyes rolling or told not to bore people.
7. Forgive him for being selfish. Men are selfish (Ephesians 5) The sin of man is the opposite of love (selfishness). The Sin of women is the opposite of submission (control).
8. Motivate him to be safe. Men's great desire is to protect. Women want to feel safe. But don't tell or nag or preach him into it. (see story of 1 Samuel 30)
9. Attract him to have sex. Men want to share themselves with another. It's more than physical for them too.
10. Support him in his part of the story. Understand that a womans desire is to create a home (drawing those around her home). Men push people away they want to discover and return to a home, then go discover and return again. So there is alway a tension between these two things. Encourage each other to fulfill each purpose.
11. Pray for him to be significant. Everyone wants to be this, but men want to make a difference, even if you don't think he does.
12. Encourage your daughters to know all these things, so that they can build great relationships and have realistic expectations.

One Flaw In Women

Women have strengths that amaze men.

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
When they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colours.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or email you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what
makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope, and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.

Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.

However if there is one flaw in women,
It is that they forget their worth.

The above was kindly given to me by a friend.

Sacrifice

I went to the NSW War Memorial in Hyde Park today with my son. I'd never been there before. It was quite beautiful.

Inside it is an amazing sculpture called 'Sacrifice'. (see picture)
So many of the memorials and information we find on war is all about the soldiers who fought and didn't make it home or did return. But not this memorial.

The following extract from http://www.anzacmemorial.nsw.gov.au/memorial_features/sacrifice describes it really well.

"Sacrifice - This is the central motif of the Memorial's design. It comprises 'the recumbent form of an Anzac whose soul has passed to the Great Beyond, and whose body, borne aloft on a shield by his best beloved - mother, sister, wife and child - is laid there as a symbol of that spirit which inspired him in life, the spirit of Courage, Endurance and Sacrifice'. Hoff's sculpture addresses the issue of an Australian identity based on its (and his) experience of war, a virile and modern nation prepared to sacrifice its best in an appalling but necessary cause - the survival of the country/race.

'Thousands of women, although not directly engaged in war activities, lost all that was dear them - sons they had borne and reared, husbands, fathers of their children, friends, lovers.

There was no acknowledgement of them in casualty lists of wounded, maimed and killed. They endured all men's sacrifice quietly'.

'In this spirit I have shown them, carrying their load, the sacrifice of their menfolk.'

I think this sculpture descibes not only war and it's effects but the reality of life as a woman choosing to serve her man joyfully and sacrifically.

A story about Passivity

Several years ago we owned a house which had a garden from hell. It was a beautiful garden full of specimen trees & perfectly clipped box hedges (of which we were particularly proud). But we lived beside a reserve and whilst we enjoyed the birds and animals that frequently dwelt in the garden, they were also the same birds & animals that brought weeds of every modern and prehistoric variety to our manicured eden.
Over winter whilst we avoided venturing into the cold, those weeds seeded and slowly took over the entire back and side yards of our property. We would joke about finding tigers roaming amongst the long grass & weeds. But in reality it was the deadly poisonous snakes that I feared more.
Summer came and we knew that we needed to get out and clear the jungle and start turning our garden back from hell into eden.
So I sent my husband outside to begin the work of labouriously pulling weeds by hand.
From the windows I could see him begin clearning. 30 mins later I again checked to see how things were progressing. His face expressed demoralisation, defeat and hopelessness.
There was no doubt in my mind before we started that the task of clearing those weeds was going to take days and would be very hard work. But my husband had approached the task with a feeling of being overwhemed, but also with the self imposed expectation that the job had to be done today and by him alone.
He came back inside a few minutes later. Defeated and silent.
The magnitude of the task had overwhelmed him and slowly but surely negative, aggressive thoughts had grown in his mind like weeds choking life out of him.
Oswald Chalmers called them "details that take portentous dimensions and crowd out the great issues of life".
The neighbours dog barking whilst he pulled at weeds made him think about going around and yelling at his neighbour.
We talked about his unrealistic expectation of clearing a couple of hundred square meters of weeds in a single day. He admitted that he felt that the task was getting larger and larger each weed he pulled and that he felt hopeless.
He couldn't make a dent in it and so thought to himself "What bother trying?" - he had moved into paralysed passivity.
And so we set a realistic goal together. "Just aim at clearing 1 meter, then if you do more set another small goal"
Eat the elephant peice by peice.
And so he and I headed back into the garden together that afternoon with a renewed vigor and realistic goals. We'd overcome passivity. And we'd both learned a new strategy for identifying and defeating the overwhelming things in life.
Many times since then, as we've worked at building men's ministry and encouraging other men to join us on the mission, he's faced other battles which have threaten to overwhelm him and paralyse him into inactivity/passivity. And all I've had to do is remind him of the weeds and that he just needs to do "now" and only this square meter of life.
Your man could be struggling with passivity if he sounds like this:
"I can't do anything right"
"I don't know why I bother"
"It doesn't matter what I do"
Passivity is not an attiutde of "I don't care" it's the attitude of "I don't know how or what"
What can you do to help him?
Ask him what his expectations of himself are. Then share with him the reality of what he can achieve or in your relationship what matters most to you. Use tools like the Four Love Languages (by Gary Chapman) to help articulate your needs and the differences in his needs and style.

Seeing the trees for the forest is important but sometimes really hard for us all to do, alone - that's where a good friend can help.

Accepting sacrifice

A lesson in carrying my cross today.

After spending the first hour or so of the morning running around doing loads of washing, dressing and feeding the kids and getting ready for the day, I had hoped to get some time out to spend with God at a local cafe.
I thought that if I could get everything organised my husband could come home and take over and I could head out for a while and get a break. The plan: do the shopping and sit down quietly for a bit of coffee and journalling.
But I'd forgotten that my husband had an early morning fitness session with some local guys (FIGS - Fit in God Saturday) and then a meeting with a pastor from one of the local churches immediately after.
So plans scuttled. I brought the kids shopping (you can imagine how much fun that was) and coffee evaporated into the heat of the day.
My husband said to me yesterday that it seems like I'm always having to make way for the things he has to do. I guess that's true. But I also know that whilst that can get old very quickly, we are called to offer ourselves as a sacrifice to God, willing to do all that he asks of us and to be cheerful givers.

Learning how to do this is hard work and emotionally difficult.

Something to Consider

My greatest desire is the see the women of the church (big C) becoming passionate about the men in their lives being great Christian men, leaders in their homes, fathers to their children, husbands deeply engaged in their marriage, and leaders in their sphere of influence at work, at church, and in the community.

So ponder this a moment:
You want a man who is a fair and strong leader in your marriage, but you wont let him lead you. You want a man who leads in the family finances (the big and the small things), but you wont trust him to handle your family budget and pay the bills.
You want a man who surrounds himself with other good Christian men to provide the right support and influence in his life, but you wont let him out of the house.

The above might seem extreme, but when you let most men (Christian and Non-Christian) read this statement, they will tell you it resounds with them. They feel guilty for wanting to have friends outside of the home, many of them know that it's hard to be at home with kids or working too, so think that they shouldn't take time to spend with friends to disciple others or be discipled. They feel inadequate to deal with the kids and finances. But this is not because they are, it's just that they think we think they are inadequate and so assume they must be.

Why do we try to control our men, thinking that by this method we will achieve what we want. We curse them for making us feel like we have one more kid to manage, when in reality we undermine their confidence in their ability to be any of the things we desire them to be.

PS If you think I'm one of those women who has the perfect husband and perfect life, you need to know that I've been the controlling "i can handle everything" wife and after the implosion of our marriage a few years back, we together have worked through the stuff I'm talking about here and now have a marriage that's a real partnership, hard fought and won. IT's scary stuff letting go and trusting God and your man to come through for you, and being patient when they fail from lack of practice, but the results are worth the trial.

Girls give him some room and encouragement (not instructions)to show you how amazing he can be!!!

Begin download now.

Today is Good Friday. And it's very Good. After all Jesus came for us that we might have life, and life to the full. Are you living, or existing?

If you're like me you probably swing from living to existing at each hour of the day. Sad but true.

One minute I can be on fire with righteous anger. Like this morning when I was told that a few upstanding Christians at church hussled a group of stragglers out the doors of the Good Friday Service, not knowing nor caring that the people talking together were in the middle of trying to help a newcomer and non-christian man turn to God instead of ending it all because his wife and kids had left him this week. (God forbid that they should be late to their roast lunch.)

And the next hour I can be cranky that I have to drive up the road the get the takeaway dinner, because my good husband spent the afternoon at the local pub with that same man and some other good christian men showing Christ's love in action.

Wow do I feel like a hypocrite...Note to self ministry (real missional ministry) is about sacrifice...It's not about you...ever...it's always about God and His glory.